People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
the three genders
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”