SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Body by sandwich.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Time heals everything 🙂
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I saw nothing
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit