I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
is this meant to deter me
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.