WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
how to have an accident 101
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.