When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
i want to work in this restaurant
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app