You Might Also Like
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
True?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’