i made a craigslist ad !
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?