Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around