Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I’m more of a homeless romantic.