hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
You Might Also Like
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here