[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.