Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
You Might Also Like
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.