No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
New Tinder profile.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense