Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line