When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy