How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.