HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999