If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow