If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits