Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
WHY?!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?