WHY?!
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
getting corrected
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza