[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Why is everyone getting married at me
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?