Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You Might Also Like
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.