I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
no!! no!!!!!!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.