When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
craving $300 all of a sudden
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”