I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.