My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
estão todos miauvindo?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.