My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Best spoiler warning ever
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
When someone says you are so lazy
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.