It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
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wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in