“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
![]()
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
![]()
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.