“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder