gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Tier 3 meme
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️