Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
You Might Also Like
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”