Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING