There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The struggle is real
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My kitchen overserved me.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
There is wisdom there.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.