@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

You Might Also Like

@MegsHAUSTED

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

@Bandersnaaatch

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@rachelle_mandik

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

@HeroineAddict

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

@mommajessiec

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.