@MegsHAUSTED FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
@abhorrent_wife There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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@MegsHAUSTED 
@thepunningman Just how popey was the pope today?
@Bandersnaaatch Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
@causticbob I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
@Tobi_Is_Fab 4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
@Marcmywords2 Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
@ArfMeasures ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
@rachelle_mandik Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
@HeroineAddict *scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
@mommajessiec Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.