Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Blew my mind.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people