Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.