[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.