Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
beware of dog
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.