The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.