I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”