“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The smoothest fall of all time