Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve had relationships like this
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?