Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
God, I love Scotland
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.