Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
hackers play passwordle
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured