[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.