[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?