Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
repaired
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
guys i’ve cracked the code