Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.