I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
our love story in four pictures
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.