When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.