We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
new record!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat