Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.


Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.


I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.


“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”


“Oh you mean questions about the job!”


Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.


all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period


So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.