@Chhapiness

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

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@_elvishpresley_

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

@Chhapiness

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@TyEros

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

@WheelTod

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

@thrill_tweeter

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

@withanewname

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”