Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable