@Chhapiness

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

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@TwistdidMind

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

@moxieblogger

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

@Marlebean

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

@primawesome

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

@Cryptoterra

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

@

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.