Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats