*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”